March 30, 2006

Free to Mediocre Home


This sweet darling is driving me to drink a little. I'm this close to tossing him out the door. Actually, I have tossed him out the door - "go on!! you want to go out? fine! go then." - but he either comes back or walks into our neighbor's apartment like he owns the place which prompts them to bring him back to us. I've tried to set him free. I have tried to give him away. I have even looked in the phone book for a number to Miss Kitty's Home for Troubled and Wayward Cats but there isn't a listing so I can't call them for placement.

Let's examine his endearing qualities., shall we? If you want him, I will pay you a small fortune to take him. Hardly any restrictions apply. Allow six to eight minutes for delivery. Satisfaction guaranteed. If not completely satisfied, simply call me at home at the following number: 1-800-oooh, I'm sorry that number is no longer in service.

Endearing Quality #1: Head butts and nose bites.
Like most cats, Pi sleeps all day long. He basks in the glorious sunlight shining through the window. Which means about 2 a.m. (until 6 a.m.) he's wide awake and ready to play. He climbs onto my face, head butts me hard and gently nibbles on my nose. This means, Wake up!! Play with me!!

Endearing Quality #2: Doors, pawing on and opening of
When EQ#1 is met with complete annoyance and avoidance, Pi systematically goes to each and every door in the house and starts pawing. Have I mentioned that this is a monstrous cat? Also known as Kittysaurus Rex, he is ginormous. His paws, being the size of small volkswagens with fur, are able to wiggle the doors open. So we usually wake up and find all the closet doors slightly ajar.

Even more charming than that? Once we wake up and crawl out of bed, we pour a cup of coffee and then try to meditate to the soothing sounds of CNN. Pi's agenda goes something like this: Loudly paw the blinds on all the front doors (they are French. There are four of them). Lather. Rinse. Repeat. When he's sufficiently bored with the front doors, he meanders over to the kitchen, jumps onto the counter and paws the blinds in the kitchen window.

Endearing Quality #3: Freudian issues
The lovely Pi also answers to the name Sir Humpsalot. He has a thing. This is kind of embarrassing and strange. He starts to knead my belly and purr loudly. Within seconds he is humping me somewhere, usually my arm. He's got some weird Oedipal complex going on. He gives new meaning to the phrase "mother fucking cat". We haven't found a cause or a cure but no matter how many times I kick him off of my arm, he will always come back for another try. Yeah. I told you. Weird.

Endearing Quality #4: The mysterious pooping cats
Even though I could have sworn we only had one cat, Pi's litter box (Jumbo size to accommodate Jumbo size cat) is completely full of poop and pee when we get home from work every day. We diligently clean the litter box and sweep the floor nearby. We freshen the area with nice smelling things. So, I know for sure that the box is clean and free of cat waste and smells good at around 6:30 pm each night. Next day, same thing. There is no way one cat can produce the quantity of shit we have each day. The only explanation is that he invites all the cats from the neighborhood to use his litter box while we are at work. He's probably charging a small fee to them and stashing away the money to fund his escape.

Endearing Quality #5: Food
We have no idea what kind of food he likes.

Endearing Quality #6: Love
He loves everyone. Friendly neighbor? Love,love, purr, purr. Gas Company technician? Love, love, purr, purr. Psycho axe murderer? Love,love, purr, purr.

We used to think he "chose" us by appearing on our doorstep and purring loudly the second he saw us. He has made it abundantly clear that all you need to earn his love and affection is a pulse. He is not even the slightest bit afraid of anyone or anything. Except the vacuum cleaner. Oh how he runs when he hears my hand touch the handle of the vacuum cleaner! And oh how I laugh and laugh with glee as I try to terrorize him with it. I'm mean like that.

Anyway, he's kind of annoying but totally lovable. I will consider all offers. I would even trade him for an iPod if you are feeling really generous. Oh wait, maybe I should offer a free iPod to the person who adopts him. Yeah, that's it! Lines are open now. Posted by Picasa



At 11:46, Blogger Craig said...

I don't know about adopting, but you could send him to our house for reform school. With our 70 lb. German Shepherd mix, he'd at least find out what it's like to be the humpee rather than the humper. This dog had never humped anything until we got a puppy. Now, he won't stop. The other day I yelled at him to stop and he let go of the puppy, but kept humping the air for a few seconds. And, I'm pretty sure that the other day I heard one of them turn to the other and say, "I wish I knew how to quit you."

At 13:08, Blogger Michel said...

Sounds like a man.
But seriously, have you thought of using an atomizer? My cat is the calmest thing in the world, but can meow like the dickens in the morning. We spray her hard, she runs off and meows somewhere else, but at least it's fainter.
Oh, and head-butts are a sign of ownership, from what I've heard.

At 14:12, Anonymous johnomatopoeia said...

Yeah. He could come to my house and Jackson and Addie would get him afraid of people right quick.

At 14:37, Blogger Richard said...

I'm told that cat is a lot like rabbit, just the meat is whiter.

At 18:41, Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

Thanks for reaffirming why I don't have a cat.

At 18:41, Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

Thanks for reaffirming why I don't have a cat.

At 18:42, Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

I didn't do that. The whole posting my comment twice. I swear.

At 08:10, Blogger my imperfect offering said...

hahahah Okay, I'm totally appreciating my Pi after reading this. Thank goodness I have guuurrrlll cats! ;) (no humping here...heheheh)

At 12:59, Blogger Serena said...



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