The one about nothing

Here is my one alloted post about nothing. It is written in Blogging for Dummies* somewhere (need citation) that you are not allowed to say "I've got nothing to say" more than once in your blogging lifetime or you lose readers at the rate of 100 per incidence.

It isn't? Well, it should be.

Other things that should be used sparingly: "I haven't written in a while..." (duh); "I think I should quit blogging" (yes, you probably should); and, crap, I've forgotten what else I was going to say. Oh yeah, if you write "hahaha" after everyone of your jokes, you are probably pretty lame. Oh wait. I do that, don't I? Nevermind.

In any case, I think I don't have anything to blog about (and how will you cope if you can't read something here today? I know it's hard but you can do it, I am sure. Not that I would know because here I am writing about nothing.) Have I lost you yet?

Are you still reading?

Ha! I lied. I have got something. (I never said it would be worth your time! But since you're already here, you might as well read on!)

I am sorry that I missed the Pirates of the Carribean Dead Man's Chest movie premier at Disneyland this weekend. If I had known that my future husband, Johnny Depp** and my lesbian lover, Orlando Bloom, were going to be there, I would have hotfooted my sweet little ass over them and done me some stalking!! Also, Mr. Q would have been there to drool over Kiera Knightly and her ginormous (but beautiful and perfect) chin.

Ah well. It's enough to know that they were both within 30 minutes of my bed and for all I know they are staying in a quaint little B&B in my neighborhood and I'll run into them tonight when I'm having dinner. Wow, that would be orgasmic fantastic!

*Used only as a hypothetical. I am sure the dang book exists. The only "for Dummies" book I haven't seen is "Being a Dummy for Dummies". I should totally write that one!

**Johnny background, aka, TMI - when I was 20, all the girls were swooning over him and his 21 Jumpstreet badassness and I was totally like "he doesn't do anything for me". Secretly I liked him in that Tom Petty video ("Into the Great Wide Open") but would never admit it because I was all like totally counterculture, doc marten wearing, quirky girl who didn't fall for a "product of the tv studios" and actually, he really didn't do much for me. Jump ahead to my 30s and I was swooning over him in every Tim Burton film ('cause he is really talented) and whatever and now that he's 40 and grubbier than ever, let me tell you that I am a sucker and I swoon everytime I think about him and I can't even explain it! He's just my kind of guy. I think you either totally get him or think you do, or you don't. Hey, I don't make fun of you for liking [insert non-Johnny Depp person here]. So, don't make fun of me!

Unless you're Johnny and then you can do whatever the hell you want to me!