October 9, 2006

The return of my stream of consciousness

I have been horribly negligent about writing here and while I don't write for you, per se, I noticed a correlation between how often people read and how often I write. If you go away, I might as well stop blogging and just write in my journal at home. With a pencil (mechanical, of course). About things I might not even write about here.

I have also noticed something else - the thing that has been most absent here, besides coherent content and my usual angst, is my stream of consciousness style of writing. I used to do it, and rather well, I thought. But then I got all happy ('n shit!) and I seemed to have picked up this retarded 'affected' style of writing. When I go back and read the archives (which is rarely if ever), I was all over the map in the past and it was, at least to me, very entertaining. Now? Not so much. And my inspiration has waned as a result. I am too self-conscious to write well it seems.

One big thing about sharing your life with the internet is that you have to decide how revealing you want to be. (Duh) The more personal, the harder it gets obviously. I could just write about politics (yawn) or pop culture (being done to death already) or religion (yeah, right!!) but I'm just not passionate or confident enough to do that.

At the core of sharing your personal life is, for me, fear: fear of being judged, rejected, ridiculed, et cetera. Along with fear is guilt: guilt about being happy, experiencing joy, whatever. The best part of fear is facing it and feeling the liberation that comes with truly, I mean truly, not letting the fear rule you or influence your decision to withhold information.

The same thing goes for life: fear and guilt are powerful things. We can choose to let them hold us back and keep us from experiencing things or we can face the fear and jump right in with faith, for lack of a better word, that it's not the end of the world if we cock it up.

And really? If I told you something that you were offended by, would that be the end of the world? Hardly. But I hope you like me enough to tell me if something I do or say is offensive. Ya know?

So, all of this to say - I'm embracing my stream of consciousness again. I am hoping to write more, share more, learn more, and experience more. I hope you'll stay around for the ride.

One last thought before I go: I just farted in my cubicle. I hope no one heard it. Because that? Would be so embarrassing!!!!

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7 Comments:

At 11:10, Blogger Craig said...

No warning before telling us that you farted in your cubicle? I was just reading along. Nodding, uh-huh, yeah, good point, then all of a sudden I'm stuck trying not to laugh so loud that everyone else around me hears. Though, I suppose hearing me laugh is better than hearing you fart. My coworkers should feel blessed.

 
At 15:44, Blogger Barbara said...

If you strated wroting in a journal I wouldn't be able to comment so that idea is just silly!
I have two blogs. One that is just for me and I wrote whatever I damn well want. The other is the blog that you read and I keep things a little more reigned in. If everyone read the "other" blog, someone would admit me to the psych ward. (It is that bad.)
Anyway, I am rambling because I am tired and have a cold.
Did the fart stink? How loud was it?

 
At 15:50, Blogger Ms. Q said...

hahahaha!!! I know the feeling, Barbara! I think if I wrote everything here, you would be calling the men in white coats.

There is no further information available regarding my flatulence! I am terribly sorry!!

 
At 10:43, Blogger Richard said...

I am not sure what stream of consciousness blogging is. Thinking too much is a bit of a pain because then we start to second guess ourselves, or we figure that we have to jazz it up, etc…

I try not to let blogging go to my head. It is always great to read comments (especially the positive, stroke my ego kind) and then to adjust to that audience. On the other hand, I think the thing that brings people to a blog is the fact that you are yourself and not pandering to an audience. It is hard to say that you are not interested in the comments and interaction - otherwise you would journal in private.

Whenever I find myself thinking about writing to someone in particular, I stop and let that thought pass. Maybe I should consciously blog to a target audience, but that would not be me and I don't think it is you either.

Revealing oneself on a blog is so tempting. Dishing out juicy tidbits somehow seems so attractive and easy - those I definitely suppress.

On the other hand, posting drivel for the sake of posting seems somewhat pointless. I think if your social life has improved and you are having a good time outside the blogsphere, then enjoy it - no need to feel guilty.

Are you signing up for NaNoWriMo this year? After last years experience, I think I will pass. I hate feeling pressured.

 
At 11:18, Blogger Ms. Q said...

Thanks Richard. I think you got it!!

NaNoWriMo? Hell NO!!! That is so freaking hard and I barely have time to pee these days! There is no way I can write 50,000 words.

 
At 12:09, Blogger Rude Cactus said...

Yay! I've been checking every day! I missed you!

 
At 19:24, Blogger Shafa said...

I read you regularly! :D

And girls don't fart. Seriously.

 

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