The return of my stream of consciousness

I have been horribly negligent about writing here and while I don't write for you, per se, I noticed a correlation between how often people read and how often I write. If you go away, I might as well stop blogging and just write in my journal at home. With a pencil (mechanical, of course). About things I might not even write about here.

I have also noticed something else - the thing that has been most absent here, besides coherent content and my usual angst, is my stream of consciousness style of writing. I used to do it, and rather well, I thought. But then I got all happy ('n shit!) and I seemed to have picked up this retarded 'affected' style of writing. When I go back and read the archives (which is rarely if ever), I was all over the map in the past and it was, at least to me, very entertaining. Now? Not so much. And my inspiration has waned as a result. I am too self-conscious to write well it seems.

One big thing about sharing your life with the internet is that you have to decide how revealing you want to be. (Duh) The more personal, the harder it gets obviously. I could just write about politics (yawn) or pop culture (being done to death already) or religion (yeah, right!!) but I'm just not passionate or confident enough to do that.

At the core of sharing your personal life is, for me, fear: fear of being judged, rejected, ridiculed, et cetera. Along with fear is guilt: guilt about being happy, experiencing joy, whatever. The best part of fear is facing it and feeling the liberation that comes with truly, I mean truly, not letting the fear rule you or influence your decision to withhold information.

The same thing goes for life: fear and guilt are powerful things. We can choose to let them hold us back and keep us from experiencing things or we can face the fear and jump right in with faith, for lack of a better word, that it's not the end of the world if we cock it up.

And really? If I told you something that you were offended by, would that be the end of the world? Hardly. But I hope you like me enough to tell me if something I do or say is offensive. Ya know?

So, all of this to say - I'm embracing my stream of consciousness again. I am hoping to write more, share more, learn more, and experience more. I hope you'll stay around for the ride.

One last thought before I go: I just farted in my cubicle. I hope no one heard it. Because that? Would be so embarrassing!!!!